Doctor Jokes

BEAUTIFUL?

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

BLIND, BLOND & BALLSY

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?" The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?" The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

BLONDE'S APPENDICITIS

A blonde has sharp pains in her side, so she goes to the hospital. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

CARROTS

Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? A: Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

IN CIDER

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks. "To take away the pain," sobs the little girl. "What do you mean?" the teacher asks. "Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

$10 COMPLAINT

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

BEDSIDE CONFESSION

Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time. Julie: "I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina." Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."

CORPSALICIOUS!

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.'' After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After hesitating, they all did it. ''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''

CLASSIC BOOTY CALL... CPR

I hope you know CPR because you're taking my breath away.

DENTIST

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.'' ''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

ARKANSAS DENTISTS

Q: Why are there hardly any dental professionals in Arkansas? A: Because it takes 35 patients to make a full set of teeth.